The last few weeks have been relative hell for me. Divorce papers were served, things were revealed that were better left hidden; words were said better left unspoken. Big changes in my girls lives. Not all for the better.
I had a total meltdown yesterday. It started with a phone call that should never have been made. I could have cheerfully done without it for sure. But this pseudo family member felt it was his obligation to call me and blow up my entire world. Yeah. Thanks. ‘Preciate it. Really.
So, the meltdown. I have really good ones too. I end up not being able to breathe, a migraine that radiates down my back and across my shoulders and it even lasts into the next day. Woot!
I am fighting for every day right now. And on occasion even every minute. Yesterday I was singing in my head part of a verse of a song from church, “The name of the Lord is, a strong tower. The righteous run into it, and they are saved.”
That was it. Over and over in my head until I could sit up without crying. Yep, loads of fun.
Yesterday, I had an epiphany. A lightbulb moment. Satan is allowed to give my things that cause panic attacks and massive anxiety attacks in me because my spiritual gifts are wisdom and knowledge (secondary to teaching). By putting me in meltdown mode, I can’t access the wisdom or knowledge God himself has gifted me and thus am unable to bless either myself or anyone else. This must change.
Today, I had a few more epiphanys. I had decided a while back to go to a new psychologist. I really liked my other one, but this one is a lot closer to me. I figured I’d at least check the guy out. Well, he informed me that I am bulemic. What!!!! But I never purge. I hate to throw up! Ah! But it’s not the purging that makes you bulemic, it’s the binging. And I absolutely do binge. Really almost every night I eat til I hurt. It’s almost a goal. How much can you eat before you hurt enough to stop. But bulemic? Seriously stunned. Then he said I needed to get on an antidepressant. Not an anti-anxiety. Anti-anxiety meds are physically and mentally addicting. And, since I’m going in for a lap band, I don’t need any addiction transferance going that direction. Antidepressants are not addicting. So, I will be making a few phone calls on Monday. I will admit the thought of something as quick acting as an anti-anxiety drug does have it’s appeal. But I know me. There is not a chance.
I know in part that God is trying to teach me to trust him far more than I now do especially where my son and the girls are concerned. It’s sooooo hard. It is unbelievable hard. But, He loves them more than I ever could and if He says something is necessary for their good….then I don’t have to like it, I just have to live til it’s done. Keep praying.
